stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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