yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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