My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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