My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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