Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
