I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
