..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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