alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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