Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
