did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
