I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
