sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
