You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
