wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
