so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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