I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
