Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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