Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
