i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
