i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
