He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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