our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
