I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
