I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
