ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
