Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
