Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
