So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
