Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
