Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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