Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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