Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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