when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
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