I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
