drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
