I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
the condom got lost in my hair
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
