Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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