im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
