I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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