First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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