Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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