I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
