If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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