I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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