hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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