were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
