You don't have asthma, your pregnant
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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