is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
it was like eating out sand paper
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
