dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Randomize
