i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
