I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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