you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
