I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
