those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
