My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
