Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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