Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
