i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
