the condom got lost in my hair
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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