theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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