I just made out with a guy for $7.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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