I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
