Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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